Hi.
2 am. Saturday. 16/4

Empty....hurt.....

It's been 5 months, and I still can't run. I can't walk. I can't crawl.

It's hard, like a rock. Only the ocean can erode the stony rock.

But there's no ocean. No sea. No nothing...

Empty....silence...

The tears has dried out. Pain is unbearable. And I can't see anything.

Where am I going? What am I thinking? When can I stop? Who can help me? How am I going to get through this?

Questions..Questions...Questions....

5 months.

What's going to happen next? Question..

Hate. Despise. Cruel.

but..

Thoughtful.

Im confuse.

What's not good enough? Think Amirah. Think.

My look?
My brain?
My confidence?
My clothing?
My speak?
My smell?
My hair?
My poverty?
My body?
My skin?

This is what god's has made me. I was born with funny nose and round face. I can't change my look.
I aint genius, but I still maintain my grades.
I'm not confidence, my low self esteem is not a subject to talk about.
Im not wearing sexy cloth. I don't wear skirt anymore.
I speak when I have to. I talk when is need.
I smell me. That's me.
Im nor rich, nor poor. I still eat and live.
Im not retard or anorexic. Just having difficulties to eat
I have fair skin. I try to tan my skin, but it doesnt work. Pure Malay skin works for you? If yes, I try harder. Im not fair enough? I put on more whitening cream..still I try harder.

What do they have that I don't? I want to know.

Im at dead end of thinking about it. 5 months of thinking. I still can't find the answers.

Please. Tell me.

Even so I can't chase missed bullet train, I'll board on it one day.

Wait before it depart. Clock before it arrives. Stand when it opens for me. Enter before it closes. Sit before it's full.

If you know me, U'll understand...

Sweet dreams...

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